Thursday, November 20, 2008

Memorandum to my cable television.

TO:         The Downstairs DISH box and DVR

FROM:   Hightouchmegastore

RE:          Your failure to provide me with the television programming and digital video recording that I have paid for and is therefore rightfully mine to expect

DATE:     20 November 2008

It's been six months now since the Great Downstairs Renovation of 2008.  The panelling of death has been removed.  Paint has been applied to the walls.  A new-to-us retro-tastic sectional sofa, cobalt blue, has been purchased, delivered, and attractively arranged for socializing and, yes, let it be said, television watching.  But you, downstairs DISH box and DVR, are not even speaking to the television.  You and the television are not communicating.  The television gives me static.  You make spinning sounds in your self-contained universe.  What are you doing in there?  Working a treadle? Knitting a sweater? Running the dishwasher?

All I know is, they's no shows a-transmittin' on the T.V.  No pictures or banter or dvr'd episodes of Family Guy.  Nothing is what you are delivering.  Nothing.  

More, you act like there's nothing wrong.  I try to reset you, you make your obliging spinning sound. Like you're God, setting the gyroscope of the earth on its axis. Still nothing.  I check your cables and tighten them and still: nothing.   

The worst is calling the DISHOverlord at 1-888-FUT-ILE*.  Here's what the DISHOverlord Robot says to you:  "Did you know that many problems with your DISH television can be solved via your remote?  Are you in front of your television with your remote?  If not, hang up and call back later."  Try talking your way through this problem with the eventual human who shows up on the line:  "Uh, well, let me start about six months ago.  We were doing some work downstairs.  Well, actually, the problem is, well, when we got it going about a month ago, there was a message about a smart card?  But now I can't . . . I can't even get that message back.  It's like.  But. I can't." And so on &c.  It's a nightmare and I'm blaming it on you, downstairs DISH box and DVR.  The Overlord is just gratuitous humiliation.

Please organize yourself and take care of this situation; I'll expect a report when things are back to normal and order is restored.


  1. I love your letters to objects which cannot respond, and think your next poetry manuscript should be organized around this principle: letters to machines. And sometimes people are machines, in a way. Just to mix it up.

  2. Sometimes I am not sure if I am smart enough to comment on this insightful blog. Have you tried hitting the television with the side of your hand? Repeatedly? This has worked in the past...

  3. Oh, you've hit a sore spot with me. I am an intelligent, teachable person, but I swear if people in my house don't stop messing with the remote(s), TV, DVD player, surround system, and dish box so none of them are communicating with each other when I want to sit down for a moment--a moment I tell you--to watch the IFC, well, I'm tellin' you, things are gonna' change or momma's not gonna' be happy.

    And then there is that whole thing about the airing of THE GAME tomorrow that will not be appearing on my TV because I don't pay my monthly TVviewing bill to the correct DirectDishCable company--bastards, everyone of them.



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