Saturday, February 23, 2008

Oscar preparation.

Necessary reading: Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue. Lots of pictures, although I am now hating the new concept that seems to govern the photo shoots, which is to place contemporary movie stars in sets from old movies--this year, everyone's placed in classic Hitchcock scenarios. Fine, very clever. Whatever.

However, and more importantly, I found a more interesting item, the "Vanities Dare," which for this month is the Primary Polling-Place Dare. For instance:
  • for one point, you can "complain that something is wrong with your ballot because Oprah's not on it."
  • for three points, you could "construct crude cardboard effigies of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Then from inside the voting booth, enact a Punch-and-Judy-style puppet show for those behind you in line, in which the 'candidates' poke through the curtains and beat each other with swizzle sticks." And,
  • for five points, you could "take a closed container of dry ice into the voting booth, open it while inside, vote, and then emerge in a dramatic fog while loudly proclaiming, 'Yeah, I voted for the witch, bitch! Mwah-hah-hah-hah-ha-haah!'" Or, also for five points,
  • you could "greet all gathered ballot holders with the phrase 'God bless you!' and earnestly, insistently ask them if they'll be voting for Mike Huckabee. Should anyone irritatedly ask you if you've ever had a civics lesson, explain that you were home-schooled."
Not that I could, or would, do any of those things. Ever. Also, even if I were so inclined, it's too late for me, since I have already, quietly and without fanfare, cast my primary ballot, saying nothing to anyone. The excess cleverness ship has sailed.

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