A couple of summers ago, when my son was making plans to move to Arizona, taking with him his lovely family, including two grandson, I made up my mind that, rather than set a bajillion goals for the summer, as is my wont, which invariably leads to anxiety and a midsummer breakdown, I would make a project of just enjoying the summer. Just enjoying the time I could spend with my children and grandchildren. Taking a few days to drive down with them and help them get unpacked.
I considered this the only rational thing to do. When you teach all year long, it's easy for plenty of things to get lost--the ability to find your work to your writing, to finish a long lost video project, to, I don't know, improve your character in countless ways. Summer sometimes feels like the set-aside for catching up on all of this. Which puts a lot of pressure on summer, kind of making it the antithesis of what summer can be, in a way--pressure-filled, prone to disappointment, insomnia- and stress-filled.
All this is to say: at the beginning of January, I promised 2015 that I would enjoy my life. How's it going, you ask? Well, I just started a little list of things that were to be evidence of my success at my "just enjoy it" project. This list immediately began to depress me. It started to seem like an evaluation, which in turn made me feel that my own project was beginning to boss me around.
Oh, how I hate it, when my own project starts to boss me around. For one thing, it makes me feel ridiculous. Which, let's face it: that conundrum of the self bossing itself around? Absurd on the face of it.
So, for today: oatmeal, talking to my Scotland daughter and my soccer coach son. Writing, research, nap, reading a book of poems. Spaghetti with an excellent sauce. Lovely salad. Vegetable acquisition. An excellent flavor of Izzy soda. These are the little joys of today, and if I'm perhaps feeling, at the moment, a little Sunday blue, maybe I just have to sit with that, let it pass, and take it to bed and then wake up to tomorrow, where I'll again practice just enjoying it.