Friday, August 31, 2012

Just say no to scary movies.

It's time again. Time for the previews for scary movies. I know, because I just saw one on late-night television.

The people, scary movie previews belong to a special category of repugnant. There you are, in the movie theater, waiting to see Premium Rush just because--because it looked fun, and had Joseph Gordon Leavitt in it--sitting in the multiplex, semi-digesting the Mexican food you just ate--because it is delicious, and it is enchiladas, one of God's most perfect foods--and the previews come on. And terrible things are in the previews.

Is Premium Rush a horror movie? It is not. It is, sort of, a thriller, with awesome action sequences involving bicycles, with a special set of thrills because one of the bikes in question has (a) just one gear and (b) no brakes.

So the multiplex has set you up. You think the previews will be bicycle-chase-thriller-movie-esque. So you're humming along pleasantly and then all of a sudden, unspeakable evil has possessed a child. Or something. You're not going to un-see that, and you didn't sign up for it, no sir.

And while I'm at it: does watching The Daily Show signal to the universe that I'm in the market for a horror show? It's not like I was watching the Republican National Convention or something. Speaking of horror shows.

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