Monday, March 05, 2012

Open letters to my fancy hotel room.

Dear my fancy hotel room,

I enjoy many things about you: the quiet way you wait for me when I am not here. Your wooden hangers.  The bathroom made just for me. How I can double-lock your door for an extra-safe feeling. How your heavy curtain can entirely shut out sunlight, or, in contrast, can be pulled to the side and the city lights can shine through the sheer.

So many charming things: you are right downtown, and are sited among historic buildings, and your lobby is large and gleaming. I like you. I do. Quite a lot, actually.

What I do not care for, my fancy hotel room, is your very expensive wireless internet that I pay for, a bonus $12.95 per day, on a day-by-day basis. I do not care for how your expensive wireless internet displays its ever-diminishing duration right under the Chrome toolbar. I do not care, my fancy hotel room, for how you also ask me to consider, moment by moment, upgrading to the extra turbo-charged Executive Business Wireless Internet of the Gods, for $16.95 per day. This seems insulting and, quite frankly, elitist.

And most of all, my fancy hotel room, I do not care for how your internet is so expensive and yet it is also so very slow. Balky. Recalcitrant. Like drying glue, viscous and sticky. Without speed or alacrity or ease.

May I suggest to you, my fancy hotel room, that despite all the things I enjoy about you, the dollars I'm paying for your unsatisfactory internet should be included in the fancy price I'm already paying?

Please consider it,



Dear my fancy hotel room,

I did not appreciate the way your key-card reader, which allows me to enter my room if it so chooses to flash its tiny green light of approbation, signalled me with a hinky little red and yellow ambiguity upon my return after a brief foray to the gift shop for a much-needed ice cream bar purchase.

My fancy hotel room: when I am trying to enter a room that is far away from home, indeed is my home away from home, that is not a good time to be coy. Let me in. I am paying for you to let me in.

I'm in no mood,



On the other hand,

My fancy hotel room, I did enjoy the fact that the guest shop downstairs did have a fancy ice cream bar available for purchase.




Amelia said...

Charging that much for wifi is what they call here, taking the piss.

Lisa Wines said...

Another thing I like about hotel rooms is that somebody else keeps it sparkly clean. I would live in a hotel room for the rest of my life, just for that reason. :-)

MJ said...

Someday there has to be a Collected Letters of the htms.


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