Thursday, November 12, 2015

Dear defunct appliance,

Yesterday, when I was eating an omelet with my son (who was eating a breakfast burrito), he reminded me that we needed to get a new oven already.

'Don't you miss baking?' he asked.

Well, of course I do. I really really do, and also I miss turning my head to you, defunct appliance, and seeing your reassuring squared-off numerals that tell the time. These days, I still turn my head--it's been a month and I can't unlearn the habit--but all I see is a big blank. Right. I ripped out your wires because you were beeping like a maniac. You could have waited until after New Years for your long-prophesied total meltdown, defunct appliance. But you didn't. No, like a brat, you self-destructed in the middle of the semester. The MIDDLE. That's a bridge too far, defunct appliance.

But I miss you all the same, which is why we went, finally, to Lowe's tonight, armed with foreknowledge about what double wall ovens cost (a lot), and what we wanted (27", convection, stainless steel), to see about replacing you.

The guy who helped us (thanks, Michael!) was extra nice, and we are on the path. Of course you can't just go buy a double wall oven today, even if you're prepared to spend the benjamins right then and there.

'We have to order any wall oven in,' our guy told us, firmly. 'We don't keep any of those in stock.'


Fine.  'But before we order it, we send a guy out to measure, just to make sure it will fit,' he said, by way of information.
I feel like this oven will
basically sing to me whilst
I am baking.

Defunct appliance, even in your wire-ripped coma, you are a pain in the ass. Which I have already measured, but who am I? Just some lunatic with a tape measure, I guess.

Tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. sharp, our guy's best installer's factotum will show up with a tape measure. He will be a professional tape measurer. I will present him with the print out of our hoped-for double wall oven (27", convection, stainless steel)'s dimensions. And hopefully it will be a go, and we will go back tomorrow evening to our guy and place the order.

And then it will only be two weeks (i.e., just after Thanksgiving) before we have an oven in working

In honor of your future funeral, defunct appliance, here are the top ten things I will bake, roast, and broil in your successor:

  • whole wheat bread
  • muffins
  • scones
  • baked potato
  • roasted broccoli
  • baked penne and cheese
  • cornbread
  • oatmeal cookies
  • possible cupcakes
  • and a belated pumpkin pie.
Too bad you won't be around to see it,



  1. That is a very bad oven. Who knew wall ovens were extra bad?

  2. Shame on the defunct appliance for giving you so much grief. I hope the professional tape measurer and his magical skills will help clear the way for the arrival of a new oven, one that will sing to you whilst you're baking.



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