Saturday, October 31, 2015

Halloween candy in review (miniature candy edition).


Candy 
Pros
Cons
Overall
Milky Way (Peanut
Butter version)
I didn’t actually taste the Milky Way (Peanut
Butter version). It just came in the big bag of Halloween candy, along with the Snickers.

Pretty shiny wrapper?
Peanut Butter flavor anything is mostly gross. 

Exceptions: peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter icing on white cake. Peanut butter cookie.
C. 

There’s absolutely no good reason to mess with the original Milky Way.
Almond Joy
So cute. Little oblong shape with rounded edges. One petite almond in the middle of the oblong. Suave.
There is literally nothing wrong with the Almond Joy, except that there should be two more almonds, and they should all be spaced appropriately, so that the almond per bite would be optimal.
B. 

See notes re: additional almond redesign of Almond Joy.
Box of Dots.
Dots are not a good candy. They are sub par.

That said, in the ‘fruit-flavored’ category, Dots are my favorites.

That’s not even true. I actually prefer Jujy Fruits, but they are a dental hazard. Ergo: Dots.
Not actually ‘fruit-flavored.’ More like ‘fruit-colored.’
C-

They’ll do in a pinch.

They’re cute in their little boxes.

I’m adjusting the grade to a C.
Kit Kat Bar
The break down the middle of the Kit Kat bar is its signature move, and it is a good signature. It resonates with good auditory satisfaction, as well as a formal sense of symmetry.

The crunch aspect is also not bad, not bad at all.
I have not had a dark chocolate Kit Kat bar, although they are rumored to exist. The milk chocolate Kit Kat is edible, entirely edible, but it’s also a little insipid. Especially if you ate several miniature Kit Kat bars, one after the other.

Why would you do that?

Because they’re there, that’s why.
B-




Fine, B.
Twix Bar
None of the satisfying symmetry or break-down-the-middle pleasure of the Kit Kat.

But caramel. Whoever thought of that was doing some next-level thinking. The Twix Bar is better than the Kit Kat on a quantum level.

That’s right: actual physics says that the Twix is better than the Kit Kat bar.

(it’s physics when you just say the word quantum, right?)
No cons. Twix bar = excellent.
A.





That is all.
Box of Milk Duds
Caramel plus waxy chocolate should not equal excellence.

And yet it does.

The caramel requires that the candy spend at least a moment in the mouth before chewing, because it’s hard, and you don’t want your candy messing with your fillings. While the caramel is softening,
the chocolate is melting. 

There’s timing involved. Timing and, let’s face it, artistry. Eating a Milk Dud is an art. 

I am a Milk Dud artist.
The only thing wrong with Milk Duds is:

NOTHING.





Okay, sometimes, you get a box with only three Milk Duds in it. That’s basically foul play.
A+



It’s my favorite.





—the mini box is so adorable.



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