Saturday, April 17, 2010

Serpentless day.

All observers who were horrified by the previous snakes can, as of today, settle down. We had a day with no snake sightings. Moreover, I found out all sorts of things about the historian's snake shenanigans. Apparently, the historian, whom I believe to be one of the world's most secular men, is a snake-handler. If by "snake-handler," we mean "a man who will shoo snakes back to a safer place so they won't run into the road and get run over by a car."

The way I see it, you can find this admirable, in the way that we admire the great humanitarians, because he's looking out for the creatures of the world.

On the other hand, they're snakes. Here's a bit of the colloquy between my son who is in China and myself this morning:

Walker: has that snake been crucified yet?
me: it was a bunch of garden snakes.
I think there were like six of them.
Walker: six?
8:18 AM me: seriously
Walker: what did you do with them?
me: I have another picture of them dispersiing
Walker: it looked like one
me: they ran away
under a rock
Walker: ahhh!
me: I know it was creepy
they were all in a pile
Walker: call the exterminator

: they were probably mating
me: gaaaa
Walker: i know, we need them out
before there are millions
8:19 AM me: they eat spiders
and mice
Walker: i really am freaked out, i don't ever want to see that picture again
i don't care they might eat me
me: okay, okay
but you know John
Walker: kill!kill!
me: he shooed them away because he was afraid they might go into the street and get hurt
Walker: no!
me: I kid you not.
8:20 AM Walker: what if they crawl into my room through the window well?
me: I will point this out.
Walker: at least shoo them into the horse place
that's probably where they all come from
me: it was in the front yard
john says he might try to "relocate" them and I will encourage the field to be the relocation place
Walker: those snakes will be the death of me
me: do you remember when you trapped one under a flower pot?
Walker: maybe
me: I do.
I wrote a poem about it.
Walker: did we kill it, because we should have
what did we do with it?
me: no, we released it into the wild
I wouldn't let you kill it
Walker: he is probably the root of this mess

Let me add to this bit of trans-continental discourse that the historian's snake relocation methods include putting the snake into a paper bag. Does this involve picking up the snake with his hands? Yes, yes it does. It goes without saying that the hands are bare, as in, without protective snake-proof gloves with tongs attached.

"Wow, I guess everyone's freaked out by the snakes," he says, mildly, after singing son calls to ask about the snakes.

Sir, the reason we are freaked out is that they are snakes. Do I have to spell it for you? S-N-A-K-E-S. Which word, by the way, comes from the way way back Proto-Indo-European root for "super-f***ing-uncanny limbless elongate." I looked it up.

tags: serpentless


  1. Today your words made me, made me laugh out loud. I agree with The Historian about the necessity of catch and release.

    Except for mice. Unless there are snakes around to eat them.

  2. for the record: i'll take snakes any day over rodents.

  3. The snake rodent dilemma is a perplexing one. But the question is, which would you rather step on while walking through your hall late at night, small and furry or long and scaly-smooth. Shiver. Lets not think about it.

  4. I am so glad the snake commentary continues--I hope for the benefit of your readers it goes on for some time and personally want to thank John for perpetuating the story. Sorry Walker, but after all, you are in China! Nope, I will not fill complete until there is a story of a mouse and a snake meeting in your hallway to discuss all the funny ways you try to trap them (or perhaps to debate who has been a better topic in your poems).

  5. I have no words.

    (Except I did laugh. Just like Gillian.)



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