Thursday, January 14, 2010

Time to rotate the handbag.

The people, there is too much shit in my purse.

As I was explaining to college daughter one day or another this week as we went from midvalley to south-y-south-south valley again, here's how it goes:

1. I have a big purse. Verily, perhaps a giant purse. Large-y McLarge the Purse.
2. I fill the purse full of stuff.
3. One day, when I have dived headfirst into my giant bag of doom ("The Abyss"), trying to find some essential thing or other, I break into a sweat, start to feel itchy, and I think, "damn, I have too much stuff in this purse."
4. But rather than clean it out, precisely, I select a smaller bag. The smaller bag will, without fail, save me from my worst inclinations. It will be impossible to have too much stuff in the smaller bag! It's smaller! Hence, less room for stuff!
5. My petite, much lighter bag, dangles lightly from my wrist for 18-24 hours.
6. After which, my smaller purse is inexplicably overloaded.
7. I carry around the smaller purse for weeks or months.
8. One day, when I have dived headfirst into my petite yet still abyss-like bag searching for some essential thing or other, I get sweaty, itchy, think, "damn, I have too much stuff in this purse."
9. I select a big purse. I have a lot of stuff. It will be much, much easier to keep it organized in a bigger bag.

One morning recently, at breakfast with my daughter and grandson, I could not find my Bakugan in my purse.

What's that? you don't carry around a Bakugan, aka a Dragon-Ball, aka a transformer type deal that turns from a ball into a dragon? You better get you one:

Right, back to my purse perplex: I couldn't find my Bakugan. So I took out a check register ("who uses checks anymore?" "Your mom."), sales receipts, a tiny notebook, a tube of awesome colored pencils, lipstick, a pen, and other assorted nonsense. No Bakugan. Where could it be? Who knows. Maybe Bruiser ate it (which was a slanderous thought: I found it on my kitchen counter today.)?

I began tidying up all the stuff I had excavated from the purse, and started to replace it.

"Oh, by all means, put that back," my daughter said, meaning the sales receipts and other meaningless paper.

Anyway, it's time to move to the bigger bag. I was neck-deep in my purse today, trying to find God knows what. Here's what there actually was:
  • gray gloves
  • a coupon for free popcorn at the Salt Lake Film Society
  • a program from the jazz concert we went to on Monday
  • a General Education Requirements brochure, from when I helped at Student Express on Tuesday
  • a transfer guide to BYU
  • an "inspect these documents" thing from my last check register
  • a sales receipt from Anthropologie
  • a grocery list
  • multiple copies of my poem from my poetry group on Sunday (with annotations)
  • the program from the Jazz-Sixers game (a couple of weeks ago)
  • Target receipt
  • T-Mobile advert from Jazz game
  • programs from two different church services I attended during the holidays
  • a paper with notes for a poem plus my New Year's resolutions
  • a Christmas card (from my daughter)
  • 5 invitations to my son's open house when he left on his mission
  • a check register
  • a bank withdrawal slip
  • a tiny notebook
  • the Jazz ticket stub
  • a post office receipt
  • another grocery list
  • wallet
  • reading glasses
  • sunglasses
  • 4 pens
  • colored pencils
  • keys
  • iPod
  • reuseable shopping bag
  • about a million kinds of lipstick and lipgloss
  • perfume samples
  • ibuprofen
  • hand lotion
and one Bakugan.

TAGS: handbag, abyss


  1. we are so kindred spirits. I used to only have a big and overstuffed wallet, but then my sis got tired of carrying said wallet and keys in her purse when we went out, so she started making me bags. so now I have overstuffed bags which at the moment because of the constant need to snack include spilled nuts and raisins along with all the papers, ipods, etc.

  2. Maybe your purse could transform into a dragon. Or a Mary Poppins bag.

  3. Uh oh I sound like a huge beeotch.

  4. I love everything about you including purse shit.

  5. I'm just glad you found the Bakugan.

    Hey--maybe running son's birth certificate is in the purse?

  6. just in case you ever lose your Bakugan again, I recommend checking under the car seats--we seem to have one there every time I look (despite the fact that I remove it every time).

  7. Have you seen the old Mad About You episode where the organized sister and the more-like-me sister accidentally switch bags?

    The fluff-head is instantly transformed into a sleek and capable woman and her control-freak sister turns into a disaster.

    I verily believe it's all the bag, but the right bag (And maybe packed daily by those admirably organized who find the rest of us so trying?)

  8. I just upgraded to the biggest big-assed purse I have ever seen, because I find that each time I get a new purse, though it is roomier than the last, I run out of room, especially when traveling adds a water bottle and camera to the mix of stuff in there. Well, this new purse could double as luggage. Indeed, it probably is luggage. Let's hope it's finally, finally big enough, and that I will face the small spectacle of transferring my crap into it and carting it everywhere I go.



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