Thursday, March 24, 2005

Advice Columnist(s) Take Up Mental Residence

Dear Lisa,

I am in a funk. I still have half of my portfolios to respond to, the ones I should have graded when I was on spring break, plus my online students really, really need my attention. But what I really want is to go shopping. Either that or watch the O.C. Please, Lisa, help me to sort out my priorities.

Deadly Sinner (sloth)

Advice Columnist A (LisaLand) Responds:

Dear Deadly Sloth,

Think of shopping as a reward for the enormous and humane effort you're expending. You offer a valuable, humane service to your students. Think of them: they need you, they need your humane feedback. As writers, their lives will not be complete without you, humane you and your feedback. Don't think of your aching wrist, your incipient humane carpal tunnel syndrome. Respond, respond as if the humane future of the humane human race depended humanely upon it. Then, by all means, yes: buy yourself that little humane trinket you covet. Because of the great service you so unselfishly render, you will have earned it.

Signed, your ideal mom.

Advice Columnist B/Reality Principle Lisa

Sloth-child,

Are you insane? You can't afford to shop! For the love of heaven, you're a teacher-- embrace your class position. Don't enter retail establishments, unless they sell damaged freight goods. The O.C.? You haven't got cable, have you? Cause YOU CAN'T AFFORD CABLE. Think of your children and their future! Think of yourself, eating cat food from the can when you're old! Sit your ass down and grade. Right now, and I mean it.

Signed, Don't Be A Moron.

1 comment:

Amelia said...

Excellent! An inspired selection for a blog entry. Where could you possibly get your inspiration?

All of us are equipped with little advice columnists in our head, mine says clean the toilet today, and enjoy a stress-free saturday. However, will choose to ignore to instead enjoy some net surfing....

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