The Megastore FAQ: Mid-May edition.

Q: How long since the semester ended?

A: Depends on the meaning of 'over.' It's been thirteen days since I finished my grades. But little summer projects, work-related, are lining up one two three four five with no end in sight.

Q: Have you learned to say NO yet?

A: No. Not really.

Q: What flowers have you planted?

A: A heliotrope and three miniature roses.

Q: Is that enough flowers?

A: It is the opposite of enough flowers. It is a scarcity of flowers. It is one trillionth of the flowers I need to plant.

Q: But don't you already have flowers blooming in your yard?

A: Sure. I guess.

Q: So...isn't 'one trillionth' an exaggeration, really?

A: No, it is 'a hyperbole.'

Q: What's the difference? Doesn't 'hyperbole' mean 'exaggeration'?

A: 'Hyperbole' means 'exaggeration for rhetorical effect.' For rhetorical effect.

Q: Seems like splitting hairs.

A: Yes, but for rhetorical effect. So, totally justified.

FAQ.

Q: Do you take requests?

A: YES, but only if your requests are for (a) waffles, (b) my opinions about movies, (c) my opinions about politics, (d) my advice about shopping, (e) a compliment about your shirt, or to (f) borrow one of my books or some music or a quarter. If your request is for other things, please submit it in writing and my people will review it and get back to you in thirty (30) days or thirty (30) minutes.

Q: Are the facts on your blog actual facts?

A: All facts are, indeed, factual, which is to say, they are fact-flavored. Fact-flavoring on this blog is made of actual fact-concentrate. Facts on this blog are subject to a ten percent exaggeration bloom.

Q: What is a 'hightouchmegastore'?

A: It is a large ('mega') store ('place you buy things'), wherein the sensory load is set at a steady 125% level ('hightouch').  Basically, it's Target.

frequently asked questions.

Q: What did you buy at Target today?

A: HA nothing none of your business nothing.

Q: Do you have a favorite noise?

A: Almost any noise that is not someone or something crying. Or, almost any noise, so long as it comes from a great distance.

Q: What is your favorite close-up noise?

A: Right now, crickets in the backyard, the rumble of the swamp cooler, the sound of the bed linens just lying there, waiting.

Q: Why don't you just go to bed?

A: Too easy. It's not midnight yet.

Ten AWP Questions.

1. Why, pray tell, is my editor not here in Minneapolis, at the great Mecca of writing?
2. Why have I not slept for two days in a row? At least, not much?
3. Why did I just set myself the project of writing a poem composed of rhyming couplets, and including a little dog?
4. How many panels will I attend tomorrow?
5. And will I get up in time for a nine o'clock?
6. Tomorrow, shall I dress for comfort, or for speed, or both?
7. At what point will the book fair overwhelm me tomorrow--after 45 minutes, or 30, or 10?
8. Will it be worth it to attend a reading tomorrow that starts at 8:30?
9. What if the readers are Vijay Seshadri and Arthur Sze?
10. And will it have been worth it after all?