Friday, June 10, 2005

My Awesome Kung Fu Moves.

Saw Kung Fu Hustle tonight, and have been contemplating what my kung fu moves would be if I were a kung fu master. The best thing about this movie is that all the masters are middle-aged people with bellies, and they often don't get out of their pajamas. So there's a guy whose kung fu signature is that he can basically go floppy and swerve without moving his feet. Also, there's landlady who wanders around with curlers in her hair, wearing a nightie, a cigarette hanging from her mouth, whose move is the Lion's Roar--which is essentially yelling really, really loud. (If I were a yelling mom, I would be in fighting trim, in other words. But I'm not. A yelling mom, I mean. Or in fighting trim, for that matter.)

I would like to be the kind of kung fu master who could fight from a supine position on a couch. Maybe I'd use a remote control as my secret weapon. (Some people have poles, some have axes, some have bands of steel on their wrists. I would wield a wicked remote.) Maybe also I could perform a lightning quick channel change to Fear Factor, a show I find really, really scary, to deal any necessary death blows.

Anyone? Signature kung fu moves?


  1. You know, this is totally irrelevant, but I'd like to see some kung fu cage matches between all of the too-cute pro sports mascots. I mean it: Real Cage Matches. That I would pay to see.

  2. I've always been a fan of Plasticman (wasn't there an article in the New Yorker about him 5 years ago?), and I hope (when I Sell Out to Hollywood) to contribute to the deluge of superhero movies with a subversive Plasticman film starring Bruce Campbell. So, to answer your question, my kung foo move would have to do with plasticene appendages and the ability to smack people at parties from clear across the room.

  3. I would use my sixty-second shiv for an awesome lying tiger, flatulant dragon move!



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